Wednesday, November 14, 2012

The Day That Hollywood Came Calling

As I've mentioned a couple of times lately, I've been recovering from a monster of a wisdom tooth removal surgery. Never in my life have I been through anything like it. Thank God for pain meds and various branches of the Real Housewives franchise. And for a husband who has been doling out mashed potatoes and ice cream like a true pusha' man. A lot of the time, due to the swelling, I haven't been able to talk and since the force of the surgery left me with bruising around my eyes, I've looked like a cross between this:


And this:


And this:



One day last week when I was at the height of the "oh my face!" madness, I was at home drugged out of my mind and napping. The doorbell started ringing and as I was in no shape for chit-chat, I chose to ignore it. Though, in my neighborhood, "ignoring" means peeking out from behind the drapes, hoping to get a description of the person who more than likely is about to kick in your back door and run off with your TV.  The strange thing was the the man who was ringing the bell didn't leave or kick in my back door. He stayed and stayed and walked around the house and then sat in the driveway in his car for about ten minutes. I was thoroughly creeped out. I texted the Mister just in case I was later found abducted (because the kidnapping market is really hot for broke, drooling women these days)  and sat on the edge of the bed until the car finally drove away.  Super creepy.

Later that evening, Mister Kitsch came home and solved the mystery of the strange lurker. It was Hollywood!


Well, a representative at least. Do any of you watch the ABC show "Nashville" on Wednesday nights? I sure do. I can't say that it's "Masterpiece Theater" material but not since the days of two-fisting Cheez-it's with my Granny while watching "The Young and The Restless" have I enjoyed a soap opera so much. Anyway, the door knocker had left a letter on our back door saying that the show was looking for a house to shoot as one of the character's parents' houses - a "middle class home in Austin, Texas" to be exact - and they would like to come take photos of our house so that it could be considered as a location for the show.

Hello! Okay, I was freaking out! There were going to be stars in our house! And how cool would it be for our house to become a star too? I tried not to let my mind wander to the stacks of delicious bagels that would be on the craft service food tables - or the tour buses full of screaming fans who would consequentially pay good money to ride past our house from that day forth. "Will we need to install a security gate?" I wondered before telling myself that if we did, it would have gold music notes inset in it just like Little Jimmy Dickens'.

The Mister called the man who left the letter (who turned out to be the location scout) and he said that he'd been out driving around and had really liked our house. They set up a time the next morning for him to come out and take photos and check out the place. Now, I wanted it to happen. I'm talking...really, really wanted it to happen.  I jumped up out of the bed and started cleaning. And I roped the Mister into cleaning too. My mouth was throbbing and I was sweating blue blazes and my body was screaming, "lay down!" but noooooo....I did what anyone in my position would do. I cleaned and rearranged for hours. And so did the poor Mister who had just worked all day. We were frenzied with excitement and cleaning product fumes. The Mister implored of me to go back to bed but noooooo....instead he got to listen to me bleat-groan out, "It's gonna be just like Southfork!" and "I wonder if any characters will have fake sex in our bedroom? Oh no...they wouldn't do that in their parents' house, right?"

The next morning, we got up at six and got the show on the road again, with me nitpicking everything in the house (which involves shoving way too much stuff into already bulging closets) and the Mister outside doing yard work by seven. I mean, who does that? Poor guy - he doesn't even watch the show but he was so sweet to help me realize my newly-hatched dream of having "Nashville" shot in our house. The location scout was to show up at ten o'clock and around nine, I jumped in the shower and as I got dressed, I was literally sweating like I was in a sauna. My body was revolting and my mouth hurt so bad that I was fighting back tears.  

I was yelping at the Mister to hide everything cat related because "you just know that those stars are allergic to cats! It could blow it for us! We can not let them know that we have cats!!" He was lugging cat trees and scritchety-scratch posts and litter boxes to the garage. The cats were going bonkers trying to figure it all out as I scooped up the rogue fuzzy mice and hid them in vases, my shoes...anywhere that cameras couldn't go. The kitties  couldn't find their food or their water or a pot to piss in. We were now living on a sound stage and that was how it was going to be!

And then it happened. The phone rang. We were a mere thirty minutes away from possible real estate greatness when the location scout informed the Mister that there had been a script change during the night. They no longer needed a parents' house in Texas.

Just like that - kaput. fizzle. fail. They did but now they didn't. Just like that.

When the Mister told me, I slumped against the wall and moaned. He said that the scout noted that since he really liked our house, he would like to come out at another time and shoot it for his book just in case another project came up. As I tightened up my soggy ponytail and looked around at our house which was now cleaner than it had been in years, I could only force out, "but....BUT!....nooooooo...uhhh...it's clean nowwwwww...uhhh" while making a limp Vanna White hand gesture in the direction of a piece of freshly dusted furniture.

In the end, we decided to call the scout back and see if he could still come that day to take photos for his book. I was a little mortified when the Mister told him, "Look...we were up all night cleaning...we'd love if you could come while it's clean..." Sure, I was mortified but it was the truth - and nothing brings out the truth like unnecessary late-night drape vacuuming.  He ended up coming later in the day to take the photos. He was a really nice guy and in the end, it was fun to meet him and to learn more about the location process. And as my luck goes, Mr. Kitten Pants followed him around and was in most every shot. Maybe the old ranch will end up in a show or movie one day. Or maybe not. But we do appreciate how clean our floors are now and will never forget the day that Hollywood came calling....and eventually gave us the ding-dong ditch.

Until next time,
x's and o's,
Eartha






31 comments:

Betty2Tone (Laura) said...

This has to be my all time favorite post in this blog, but I'm sorry it ended up not working out

Sara In AZ said...

*fingers crossed* Hollywood comes calling again...........and maybe Mr Kitten Pants can be a star too! hee!

giamarie said...

Oh, how I love you, Ms. Eartha!!!

So sorry the original plan did not come to fruition, but I am confident that Hollywood will come a callin' again soon.
Way to go Mister K. For calling them backache,

Rae - Say It Aint So said...

oh my goodness! i really hope it gets used for something! was he impressed with your interior do you think? How exciting!
I do the SAME THING if someone knocks on my door. peek out the windows then go sit somewhere feeling sick until i'm sure they are gone. i would never answer the door! especially since once i get home i usually put on my pajamas and look like a bag lady.

KIMMIE JONES said...

I am so saddened that characters will not have fake sex in your bed :( but oh well- maybe you will get used for something soon. I was really pulling for you!!!

wacky tacky said...

That is so cool!!! Too bad it didn't work out but the reward is a super-clean house. A camera crew is pretty much the only thing that would motivate me to clean up and even then I wouldn't have to because the only series filmed in my house would be HOARDERS!!!

Laura said...

That's so cool, but better you than me. I'd be mortified they even considered it with my home. (Cops best Bette Davis pose)-- "this place is a dump."

Lauren T said...

OMG, your amazing house was ALMOST on Nashville!?! That is so cool! I am sorry it didn't work out but still--so cool!

Leah said...

Aw crap...sooooo close! That totally sucks! Oh well, I guess there's still a chance for house stardom in the future though.

hey-moxie said...

oh man, you had me on the edge of my seat with this post and I cried out in agony for you when it all went kaput. I'm so sorry it didn't work out!

Maureen said...

Oh, I hope your house gets it's moment in the spotlight! I am loving Nashville, I have had a total girl crush on Connie Britton ever since Brothers McMullen, and that just solidified when she played Mrs. Coach on Friday Night Lights. What if she came to your house? SQUEEEEE!

Barbara said...

Having lived in L.A., and having worked for Paramount Pictures for a whole six months, I can tell you that once you're in the book, it's highly likely you'll be called one day. They like to go for the houses they already have instead of searching around. If so, let me know so I can hang around in the yard, possibly behind a bush.

Hope you feel better soon. I'm sorry it's lasting so long!

Jamie@OwlReally.com said...

i can't believe how long it's taking to heal! i hate that for you! and what a bummer about Nashville - but your house is so unique that i'm sure they'll use it for something! it probably would have been perfect for that movie that just wrapped - The Identical. it took place over like decades - the 40s to the 70s i think!

tangential said...

What a way to get your house clean! I really need to clean my house so I am going to try to run outside and ring the doorbell and then run back in and imagine it's a Hollywood location scout... well, I'm easy to fool but I don't think I'll be able to fool myself. I hope all the work didn't make your wisdom teeth recovery worse. I still recall when I had mine out and it was HORRIBLE.

tammyCA said...

Once a location scout came to our house...unfortunately we had to turn them down due to circumstances. I still like to imagine that my vintage house might one day be used in a show/movie. Another reason people need to keep the vintage look..how else are they gonna film period shows if everybody updates?
Btw, something the police say in neighborhood watch reports...to always let a "solicitor" know that somebody is home (answer thru the door without opening or thru a window) because thieves will break in if no one answers...this has happened locally.

Rebecca said...

Good one! What a story. A little tear would escape my eye. Boo.

Dana@Mid2Mod said...

Aw, what a shame that it didn't work out...but at least you got a clean house out of the deal. You're a woman after my own heart. It definitely takes something of Hollywood proportions to provide me the incentive to clean that much.

Trina44 said...

OH man that is too bad! What an exciting story. I remember my mother found out they were shooting a low budget movie at the laundry mat so she burst into the house grabbed my comforter and said let's go! So, somewhere we are in the background of a movie that may or may not have been released. Also in all the commotion she included a little satin pillow with fur trim that I had bought with my babysitting money in the wash and it was totally destroyed. What we do for fame right?

Lisa said...

I was on tenterhooks through this whole story! I've been watching Nashville faithfully every week and nitpicking location shots ("How is he in front of the courthouse in one shot and then magically down the street near Commerce less than a second later? That doesn't...ugh!") while rabidly following the Juliette Barnes story line (I love Rayna but she's driving me coconuts). So close to being on the show! But, like the Academy Awards, isn't it an honor just to be recognized for having a tv worthy house? Fingers crossed Kitten Pants and the Ranch get their Hollywood debut soon!

Karen/Small Earth Vintage said...

Dang, but is Hollywood ever fickle! I'm sorry you went through all that...but at least, I guess, you get to enjoy a clean house, right? I betcha anything the Ranch will end up on the teevee or in a film one day. Your home is just way too cool to not get its moment of fame! (I laughed at your hiding from the doorbell ringer--I have done that. Usually, it's shifty guys selling "meat" that end up at our house. I always wonder if they actually get customers. Door to door meat salesmen.)

SUZY8-TRACK said...

What a disappointment! At least you now have a super clean house! Who knows...you may get that call again...and Mr. Kitten Pants will become a star!

cheshirecat666 said...

That is CRAZY! Oh man,I will flip if I ever see your house on TV someday

Rita@thissortaoldlife said...

Had to speed-read through this post just to see how it all turned out. And then I went back to savor it. Just picturing you in your drugged, black-eyed, swollen-mouthed glory cleaning up all evidence of kitties made me both laugh and hurt at the same time. I hope you're feeling better soon!

Jennifer said...

Murphy's Law strikes again! Glad to see I'm not the only one who gets freaked out when strangers knock on the door. On another note, I'm now curious to see what house they use for a home in Austin TX as I live in Austin and only one part of town has ranch houses. Love that area too! Would have been awesome to see your home on TV though. Maybe one day.....

jaymie said...

you made me tired just reading that!

Sherrie said...

Oh HON! That is just beyond reproach! Okay, I don't watch that show but I would have if it had your house as its star! Now? I will never, ever watch that horrid piece o'trash.

Are you going to watch to see whose house they use??

Feel better chicka! Tell those kitties to take care of youse!

Jacob said...

This is awesome still! But remember....You will ALWAYS have the pudding

The Curious Holts said...

AAARGGGG.

Maybe they wanna use my house which is actually in Austin, TX?

Seriously, I was biting nails but felt that horrible, HORRIBLE phone call coming.

Fame is a fickle mistress.

Unknown said...

How you must love Mr. Kitsch. Many husbands would have "saved" you from the creepy lurker, some might have pitched in on the overnight cleaning project, but darned few would have made that call asking the scout to "come while it's clean".
This is my first visit, thanks for making it so worthwhile - I'll certainly be back.

letthemwin said...

OMG, I literally read this blog through tears rolling like i was watching Steel Magnolias funeral scene. Thanks so much for your talent with words.

Diane
Honey Stop The Car Vintage, Etsy Seller

Anonymous said...

Eartha dear, don't despair. If that location manager is worth his salt, he'll be back with a movie crew.

I had a bakery in Geneva IL and one of the prodigal sons of the town went to Hollywood and became a locator. The second time I met him he was in Geneva with a director from DreamWorks Studio handing out contracts and striking deals with the local merchants for a movie that they were doing called The Road To Perdition with Tom Hanks, Jude Law and Paul Newmann.
my little bake shop made the final edit and into the movie big time and I got 10 days off with pay. If you ever watch it, look at the background when Hanks' character gets shot for the first time. He's trying to get into a moving car driven by a 10 year old. They drive right past my shop where my son and I were doing our own Gladyce Cravits impressions watching it all.

Your house IS a star whose time has not come. If they are smart,they will cast you in the film too.

Don't forget, kitten pants was in all the shots and there is no resisting kitten pants and his magic gaze!
Xxo
Tothepublic Pat