Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Moseying Back Around

Hey y'all! Well, I'm finally back in blog world. Holy smokes, I missed so much! I don't think that I will ever catch up on all of the blogs that I follow so if something major has happened in your lives, do let me know!  The time off was good but due to unexpected medical issues, I didn't get as much fun time as I did hospital time. Phooey to that! Mister Kitsch drew this portrait of me under anesthesia and about to have some cameras all up in my system.



I just love that sketch so much. It's a pretty good representation too. Except for the fact that in real life, I actually have ten toes. That's Peanut, my stuffed dog from childhood riding shotgun on the gurney with me. Those hospital people might make me give up my wedding ring but they'll have to pry Peanut out of my cold, dead hands. Wow, I just realized that using the term "cold, dead hands" isn't best used for situations where you're going under anesthesia! 

Speaking of anesthesia, when I was waiting to be taken out of the hospital room and into the procedure room, I heard the anesthesiologist talking to a patient on the other side of the curtain who was having the same procedures done that I was. The patient asked to learn more about the type of anesthesia that would be used. And do you know what the anesthesiologist said? He said, "It's the same type that Michael Jackson used to use." Um, yes..the same Michael Jackson who up and died from it. I wanted to scream "Smooth move, Ex-Lax!" to the anesthesiologist. As if we weren't nervous enough without hearing that sort of business! 

But of course, it got worse (as all of my brushes with medical science do). When my anesthesiologist came in to visit me, she went over my past medical history and in a very stern and serious voice told me that I probably shouldn't be put under because of a heart issue that I have. She said that my doctor should have never sent me for the procedure and then went on to tell me that I might not wake up if my heart did it's wacky Solid Gold spotlight dance while I was under. She also said that they might have to do the procedure with only a small amount of anesthesia and that I might be slightly awake. SLIGHTLY AWAKE! I told her that if they did that, I'd go apeshit crazy on the table and she said that they could strap me down. STRAP ME DOWN! 

Then she called in two more anesthesiologists and they all acted really nervous and kept whispering outside of my doorway and looking at me as if they were trying to access their odds - would anyone sue them if I never came home? Did I look like the type that would be missed? I finally told them that if they thought it was dangerous, I'd gladly put on my duds and get on out of there. Instead, they decided to do the procedure (perhaps their boat payments were coming due). By that time, I was in ugly tears. The nurses were asking me what was wrong and I blubbered "I don't want to dieeeeeee!" Then they called Mr. Kitsch in as if he'd ever been successful at calming me down when I've gone off of the deep-end. Poor guy. 

The next thing that I remembered, I woke up in recovery and the first thing that I stammered to the nurse was "I didn't die??".  Before she could even confirm that I wasn't toast, I heard somebody passing some major gas and thought, "Oh, how embarrassing for them!" before the nurse told me that yes, I would be passing gas for a couple of hours because they had to pump air into my system for one of the cameras to work. It had been ME dropping the A-bombs! MORTIFYING. Southern women do NOT pass gas in public, people! It wasn't long before I realized that everyone in my ward had gone through the same procedure and one by one, you could hear monster cheese being cut behind hospital curtains up and down the corridor. I felt like I was at a tuba convention. I've never felt so one with humanity. Or at least THAT small gassy bit of humanity.

While I was recovering at the ranch later, I closely analyzed the set of glossy souvenir photographs of the inside of my colon that they sent me home with and before long, found myself engrossed in one of those scummy daytime "talk" shows where the day's topic was "Busted By A Butt Dial". 

In other news, during the internet fast, I seriously missed Craigslist. I mean, sometimes a really bad couch ad can make my day. A friend has sent me posts of things that I missed snagging while out of touch with the "Free" section. Take a look:

Ain't nothin' but a seven foot tall ship! For free! 

The ad asks that you e-mail them and tell them exactly what you intend to do with the ship if you pick it up. The mind reels with possibilities!  As for me, it looks like a great opportunity to adopt a whole crew of little kittens, dress them in pirate costumes and put them in scenarios for photo-ops. If only. If I had a dollar for every time that a lack of kittens and a pickup truck have cost me a great time, I'd have solid gold rims on my car. 

The ship is still on Craigslist so if you're interested, send the owner an email by clicking on the photo above. Also to be had for free on Craigslist right now: 600 pounds of bad potatoes. The ad says that the offer is "time sensitive" meaning that they don't want to know what 600 pounds of rotting potatoes is going to smell like after a couple more days. I imagine the odor would probably be something close to that hospital ward that I told you about earlier. I also missed out on getting a free stripper pole and these: 

A ten foot long rock painted to look like a whale wearing sunglasses. 




Another huge rock! This time a six footer painted to look like an alligator.


Still up for grabs is this pair of large rocks...



...that they say looks like a turtle.  Hmm.....I was completely with them until this one!


Okay, I've wandered around aimlessly in front of you for long enough.  I hope that you all are doing well! And remember - if I've missed some exciting news in your world, do tell me in the comments. 

Until next time,
x's and o's,
Eartha







30 comments:

Dana@Mid2Mod said...

Glad to have you back. You always make me laugh, and this post was no exception.

Laura said...

I am so glad you're back. Golly we were missing some humor around here. And I also hope you're feeling better!

Elisa said...

Welcome back Miss Kitsch!!! You have been missed ;-)

Barbara said...

So glad you're back!

So, um why did you have to have an emergency colonoscopy? You certainly aren't the brave little soldier I thought you'd be! I love anesthesia. I always ask if I'm getting profonal - doesn't scare me at all. I'm glad you lived. Sorry you missed out on the stripper pole. Tell me more!

lynxymama said...

hands down, yours is my favorite blog. how can you make a horrible anxiety ridden surgery hilarious???? brills.

Betty2Tone (Laura) said...

That sounds awful, I hope you're feeling better by now

Jacob said...

Anesthesia is scary! I actually woke up during an honest to God surgery! True story. I even remember it. I woke in a panic and fought with the nurses and doctors. They then had to put a tube down my throat because any more anesthesia would make my lungs stop working by themselves! When I had surgery a second time I was terrified that I was going to wake up again. Its not a comforting thought knowing that I have some sort of freaky immunity to anesthesia.

Jacob said...

I also love the idea of the free boat. Funny that you have to tell them what you are going to do with it. Its like they are worried you are up to something nefarious.

Reminds me of the Simpsons episode when Homer bought a pony and they asked him, "Your not going to eat it, are you?"

Graham Russell said...

Wow -- hope you're putting This Unpleasantness behind you and having a speedy recovery. All the best x

Lauren T said...

Yay! Glad you are back!

LLADYBIRD said...

Now I want to have surgery just so I can fart a musical afterwards HAHAHA. Glad to have you back!

Karen S said...

Oh thank goodness you're back!! I've been going through some SERIOUS withdrawals. Hope you enjoyed your internet-free time off even though you had medical issues.

Nikki G said...

So glad you are alive and back to make us laugh at your witty humor! You were missed! Hope your colon is healthy!
I'am off to check the freebies on Craigslist. Hate to miss out on some awesome big ole tacky painted rocks!

Ann said...

Welcome back - you were missed. Sorry about your "procedure" and hope everything turned out okay. Only you could make this funny. ;)

Rita@thissortaoldlife said...

Was SO happy to "see" you this morning! Nothing exciting in our world. Oh, we are writing at a new place. But really, it's been pretty tame--especially compared to yours! Glad you didn't die. Sorry you were traumatized. Don't get me started on the medical establishment.

Maureen said...

Wow, that didn't sound like a very relaxing down time from the internet! I pictured you reading lots of books, taking long walks-not being cooped up in a hospital!

Like Ann said, only you could make something like that funny. I hope everything is fine now, and that you are on the mend.

SusieQT said...

Yay! You're back! Glad to hear you didn't die. :)

Kalamity Kelli said...

Not to embarrass myself but I have really missed your posts that make me laugh so hard I nearly wet my pants! However, what hospital did you go to? Three Stooges of our Sisters of Mercilessness? I worked surgery for years and while the doc who put you under ARE like the drummers of all bands (wild and crazy) but I never pegged them for stupid! Glad you are feeling better!

Rae - Say It Aint So said...

yay! you're back! i loooooove that drawing too. though i'm sorry you had to go through that. at least you were behind a curtain so no one really knew it was you making all that noise.
i kinda wish i had that whale rock!

cheshirecat666 said...

I'm glad you didn't die,and picturing dainty lil Eartha blowing like a tuba is something I will carry with with joy for a LONG time ;)

Lucky Charm Vintage said...

Hi Eartha!

Really like that little picture of you that Mister drew. It reminds me of a children's book illustration - and little peanut too! Sorry to hear about your medical issues and I hope all is good now. Don't worry about the gas thing. Sometimes it's good to break those taboos :) Glad you're back blogging at the Ranch!

Diane said...

All you missed was me passing through your area on my way to retrieve my youngest from the clutches of military service, if only for a day and a half. She just got back from Afghanistan.
Anyway soooooooglad you are back with and breathing to boot.

Diane

Todd Franklin said...

Welcome back! So glad you made it out of the hospital!
All the best for you going forward!!

Kim Campbell said...

Glad you survived! Scary, scary! Hope all is well and stays well. I am happy you are back!

OP SHOP MAMA said...

OMG LITERALLY laughing out loud here!! Cracking up.

You kill me.

Hope medical woes are getting sorted/ are sorted.

Thanks for the post. I'll read it again one day if I'm having a shit day - it will totally cheer me up... !!

Mamaholt said...

OH! Hello! So glad you're back, Miss Farty Pants.

Uh, I mean, Eartha. Yea, that's what I meant.

I came over to see if you were back and to show you this as it just screamed YOU:

http://pinterest.com/pin/101049585360064269/

You don't have to be on Pinterest to see it, btw.

Glad you're alive and still funny.

KIMMIE JONES said...

WELCOME BACK!!!! I have missed you so hard!!! I'm so sorry you can to get scoped and prodded and didn't get as much out of this laura ingalls period as you would have hoped. Sigh.

I do love your hubbys drawing and wish for her to intepret my everyday life as well.

SUZY8-TRACK said...

Welcome back! Hopefully all is well with you. I'm amazed that you were able to do an internet fast for a whole month, I don't think I could last a day....

Katie said...

OMG, so not funny, but yet SO FUNNY. I'm glad you're feeling better. Surgery blows. Get well!!

~Katie

Danielle said...

i'm crying i'm laughing so hard. STOP IT! i'm going to wake the children!! ; )