Friday, November 29, 2013

Six weeks of "Hey Now"

How have you all been since I saw you last? Super fine, I hope! I haven't blogged in six weeks. Holy moly. Thank you to those of you who left kind notes and sent emails trying to find out if I'd fallen into a hole. I'm still kickin' but so much has happened around here. We did finally put our gasping house search out of its misery and Fall has given way to dead-on Winter sooner than it's really supposed to. The nights are so cold at the ranch and now I'm wondering why I poo-pooed the houses with brand new energy efficient windows. Vintage-schmintage! Who should have to wear a coat in the house!?

I was in the hospital for a little while for a heart procedure and that was the worst. Uggh. I can't even let myself go over it in my mind because it sucked so badly. Here is a photo of me in the hospital:




Okay, not really but I'm sure I looked just like that. The only good things that came from the experience were:

 1.) They did verify that I actually have a heart.

 2.) It appears that they fixed what was glitchy in there and

 3.) I died for a bit and went over to see Jesus. No, you silly...I really did!

Now, I don't know if everyone's Heaven is the same so don't hold me to this if you get over there and yours is different, but in my Heaven there were a lot of grassy green hills and beautiful Autumn trees and thousands of dogs running and playing as far as the eye could see. It strikes me now that along with Heaven being stunning, it is also an allergy sufferer's worst nightmare! My Heaven looked like a Claritin commercial.

Mr. Kitsch made this super cute photo collage of me arriving in Heaven.

Hee! Less Teletubbies and more puppies - just the way that I like it. 


I also go to experience firsthand the warm, soothing light that all near-deathers seem to talk about. I'll never forget the experience as long as I live. I remember being really upset when I got jerked back to the living world and had to leave. I had always hoped and guessed that pets get to go with us to the other side but you know, it was good to actually get to see a preview with my own eyes. Mr. Kitsch said that I also told him while I was coming out of the drugged state in recovery that I got to spend time with my kitties who had passed away throughout the years. I don't remember that part but it makes me pretty happy to know that I did.  Someone remind me of these perks when those medical bills start rolling in!

While recovering, I've had to be on strict bed rest which I accomplish about like I would swimming the English Channel. I am ridiculously cranky and I'm really not sure how my nurse (Mr. Kitsch) has put up with me. I've watched more Lifetime holiday themed movies than I care to admit. Sometimes when I'm feeling really drained in the head, they comfort me. That's the only way that I can explain it. I can totally predict the plots in the first ten minutes but I always seem to stay on board anyway. I like how during the holidays, the network switches gears from their usual two formats (women who fall in love with men who turn bad and try to kill them - and - teenagers who do the sex) and offer lighter fare with pleasant holiday music and usually a female lead who has been hurt in the past but learns to love again at Christmas. Call me a romantic. Or a simpleton. It's up to you.

I also did several hours with "The Pioneer Woman" who irks me to no end. Mister Kitsch has been exposed to my exasperated groans and finally asked me why I watch her show if she disturbs me so much. The only way that I can explain it is that I like to yell at her from across the room as she grins and cooks in her boho smocks. I don't know if you've ever watched her show but yesterday, she said, "We like to call meringue 'calf slobber' here at the ranch." It's those kinds of moments that keep me hanging on. Those and the montages where they'll go from footage of her making a big pot of chili to that of her husband and kids wrestling cows to the ground to cut their balls off. You're leaning towards calling me a "romantic"now, aren't you? I thought so.

The Pioneer Woman is way more romantic than me though. Yesterday, she made a fancy lunch so that they could have a light repast while watching themselves burn down their own barn.

Oh! I have to tell you this because I'll forget and never do it. Before I went into the hospital, I was at the grocery store one morning. I usually try to go super early before it gets packed but that day, I had forgotten that it was Senior Citizen Day. The store was completely jammed. Now, I am a nut for senior citizens so I was pretty okay with it, even though on that morning I had already been there two hours and still wasn't done. Senior citizens like to block aisles and think about the products that they purchase. So it goes. We'll all get old one day. Anyway, I was standing there with my cart and there was a little lady in front of me with hers. She was taking her own sweet time and as I do, I pretended to stare at something on the shelf in front of me so that she wouldn't know that I wanted to pass. I don't like to rush the seniors. So, she turns and looks at me and I smiled nicely. She then screeched, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST RUN ALL OVER ME!?!?" and I said, "Oh, don't worry. I won't." I was puzzled at her volume but figured that she might be hard of hearing. She then screamed even louder, "YOU JUST DID! YOU RAN OVER MY HEELS TWICE ALREADY! GET AWAY FROM ME!!"

So, okay. I was literally parked a few feet behind her and had gone nowhere near close enough to hit her and besides, the way that the carts are made, it's virtually impossible to run over someone's heels unless they've fallen on the floor and rolled prone under the cart's wheels. I was stumped and mortified. All around me, other senior citizens had stopped to gape at me and were giving me that look that says, "You young people today are trash!"

Oh my God, y'all...it was AWFUL. And I was trapped there because she was in front of me, screaming bloody murder and behind me, a logjam had occurred because everyone wanted to see the monster who was running down Granny Apple Pucker. So, I had to just stand there, feeling their accusatory eyes upon me until she was done with her product picking so that I could escape the aisle and my public shaming. Then once I did, I later passed her in the fancy cheeses aisle and would you know, she tried to start up with me again?! It took everything that I had not to yell out what I was thinking. Okay, or to sucker punch her.

I think that was my worst grocery store experience ever to date. I called Mr. Kitsch from the parking lot and told him that I was never grocery shopping again. I think I also went into some profanity laced spiel about how nobody has respect for anyone in this world anymore. I felt like my world had flipped upside down. I try to have old timey approaches to things and am guilty of sometimes saying, "Once senior citizens die, nobody will have respect for anyone anymore" and this little lady had just done me in. If you can't trust the little old ladies of the world, who can you trust? I sat there for a while, eating brown and serve rolls raw from their package and waiting for the heat to leave my face.

Also, I found a bunch of abandoned kittens in a park. See!


Some a-hole left them in the freezing cold in a milk crate. I mean...really. And no, I didn't get to keep one. Saaaaad! I always forget how kittens make that amazing rumble jumble purr when you hold them close. Oh, kittens.

Aaaaaaand, I think that catches us up to date! I'll catch y'all later on the flip side and heavens to Betsy, I hope to read up on some of your blogs as well when I can. I don't know what anyone is doing besides me and the Pioneer Woman and well, that ain't pretty.

Until next time,
x's and o's,
Eartha






47 comments:

Liz said...

Omg! I am glad you are back and better.

Lishyloo Vintage said...

I'm sorry that happened, gramma apple pucker sounds like she's losing it a bit. i am amazed at how the kittens and the doggies find you! i have an uncle who this happens to, he once came across a baby pig and a DUCK in addition to tons of dogs and kitties and hurt squirrels etc.

cool about the afterlife cats! my parents old cat ripley haunts their house to this day, i have felt him walk across the bed and sit by me before, i always figured if i had a ghostly experience i would freak the hell out but this was so kitty like and awesome i was just like "hey ripley."

Betty2Tone (Laura) said...

I hope you are feeling better! The store was like that the day before Thanksgiving, but it was almost all darling old men asking My mom and I cute questions like, "Is this what you would call the baking isle? Where might this be?"

Nikki G said...

Glad you are back and well again! You were missed! Thank you for saving the kiddens. The persons that do that should be shipped to Siberia in a crate and just dropped off! Heartless I tell you, heartless!

Rob and Monica said...

I am so sorry you had to endure this and so thankful you are okay! I am glad you got to see your old kitties again though! (Rob)

Mr. Tiny said...

Oh my gosh!!! I seriously messaged Rae to find out what was going on. First, I am so glad that you are on the mend. Second, I am so glad to get reinforcement on the existence of Heaven (I need it right about now and hope that there are no allergies in Heaven so I can frolic with the pups). Third, I missed your blog incredibly. I just finished reading it out loud to my family because they couldn't figure out why I was laughing hysterically to myself (don't worry, I did all of the Dick Tracy voices - Granny Apple Pucker sounded like Al Pacino's "Big Boy") and then I made myself laugh all over again trying to explain your encounters with the exterminator/pest control lady. Fourth, your posts always make me laugh out loud and I am asking politely for you to keep 'em coming! Fifth, I am another one who can't stand that smug "pioneer" family but continues to watch the show for more reasons to not like them. Sixth, I think you need a show of your own! Please stay well and keep writing.

p.s. I pull the stop-and-stare maneuver at the grocery store too. It's so much easier to pretend that breadcrumbs are fascinating than to be rude and say , "Excuse me."

Rae - Say It Aint So said...

oh my gosh I HATE the pioneer woman too! i didn't realize she had a show, i used to hate read her blog but i made myself take all of those (well, most of them) off my fed!
and poor you in the grocery store! especially when you were going out of your way to be polite and not rush her! old granny apple pucker!
also, thanks for the reminder mr. tiny! eartha's story about the bug woman is one of my favorite blog posts of ALL TIME! i have it bookmarked for when i need a lift! the image in my head of you breakdancing with jack!!!!

Barbara said...

Lucy, yew got some 'splaining to do!

I just sent you an email.

As for the Pioneer Woman, I posted on Facebook of my hate of her pretentiousness...I watched one last week where she made dinner for one of the ranch hands...and couldn't quit saying how it was "no trouble"...like "look at me, I'm soooo nice". I've read horrible stories about her.

Anyway, you get better and you hurry up at it!

xx
love, barbara

JenGrosz said...

Glad to hear you are okay and hope you are feeling much better! I've missed you and your blogs. Once again you've got me laughing so hard there are tears! "Granny Apple Pucker" Bahahaha! You should seriously write a book...like an Erma Bombeck (God rest her beautiful soul) for our generation. You are so funny! Glad you are back and thank you for saving the kitties. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving!

Shelly said...

Thank you - Your post made me so happy! Love your stuff & it's so great to know there are such funny & smart ladies out there - inspiring!

KIMMIE JONES said...

Yay!! So glad you're back! There has been an EK sized hole in the Internet while you were away! It's like in the wizard of oz...it's kinda all black and white, you gotta bring the color (and the munchkins)! Although you had briefed me on your trip to heaven, I loved the photoshopped reinactment! Perfection. I have also read that when someone is dying they reach out a lot because they are seeing loved ones that have passed previously. My dad did it a lot near the end. I'm definitely not the most religious gal at all but I believe in ghosts. I'm not sure if the loved ones thing is true, but I hope it is, because it's so comforting to think they'll come pick you up!

On another note- how terrible are made for TV Christmas movies on lifetime or worse yet...abc family. They all star tori spelling or someone equally irrelevant but available! Why are they so mesmerizing. There is a schmaltzy one coming on abc soon about a dying woman and her husband builds her a Ferris wheel. I'll probably watch it and probably cry.

KIMMIE JONES said...

I read that post solid to many people. It's the best story ever

Asparagus Pea said...

Hey - so glad you're back with us. We missed you! The old lady at the store made me laugh so much. I guess some of the mean people get to be old too...

Lauren T said...

I'm so glad that you are okay! And the Pioneer Woman makes me NUTS, nuts I tell you! #1 reason: none of her kids wear helmets while riding horses. Every time I watch her show, I feel compelled to wander around my house, lecturing whomever will listen about equine sports safety and the importance of helmets.

Pam Kueber said...

Holey heck. Welcome back, we love you, EK!

nanshinsky said...

Holy Crap, Eartha! I'm so glad you're still on earth bringing the smiles and saving the varmints! OMG
, hospital food! I lost a bunch of weight after my surgery from the shear awfulness of that bland stuff! what ever does a vegetarian get fed in a southern hospital?

Betty Crafter said...

So glad you're on the mend! Sounds like you went through quite a lot. And I'm sorry about that nasty lady. You did not deserve that. I hope she felt terrible about it later.

Shawn Norton said...

Good grief! I'm so glad you didn't go to that big trailer park in the sky. Be well!!

Sara In AZ said...

SO glad you are feeling better and that you are on the mend...super bummer about the mean granny - so, so sorry that happened.

YAY, you are finally back -we've all missed you!!!

Karen Finlay said...

Eartha! My heart just about nearly jumped put of my chest when I heard about yours... I'm so glad you're okay -- whew, thankful is an understatement! But I'm relieved that you're our guide and reported back about the light. But, see, you're an angel, even if that awful old lady doesn't think so... Just glad you came out of the hospital AND the grocery store relatively unscathed!!! xoxoxoxo

Lucky Charm Vintage said...

Missed you! I am disturbed by that mean Granny though. That would really upset me too because I do love the little mammaws and pappaws so much. I would be upset if one turned on me like that because it's just ...unnatural right? However, the dogs in heaven is some awesome news! Glad you are still with us though :)

Michelle Kroft said...

Welcome back lady! Wow, what an ordeal that surgery was! So sorry you had to go through that, but glad it did its job. I'm also so happy to hear that you're feeling better and back to rescuing furbabies! :)

cheshirecat666 said...

well damn woman! I guess I wasn't the only one being quite about heart trauma drama! So glad you're okay,good Lord

Give me the name of Granny Pucker,I'll go to her house and cut her cable wires so she can't watch Barnaby Jones reruns on Cozi

mumzy said...

Oh dear, sounds like you have had quite the awful time! ... so glad you are feeling better and getting back to fightin' fit, so we can continue to enjoy your adventures...

Maureen said...

I'm so glad you are back, and happy that your procedure was successful! I have been reading your posts on NPR, so thought you must just be busy, I had no idea!

Poor you, what a mean lady at the store-I wonder if she wasn't a bit "off" in the head. Well, I am pretty sure she was, or why would she have acted like that?

I don't watch the Pioneer Woman's show-once I found out her husband's family is one of the largest landowners in the nation-she somehow lost credibility on the "pioneer" front.

Amy said...

I never EVER EVER go to Kroger on the first Wednesday of the month. I thought I, like you, loved seniors until I made the mistake of trying to grocery shop on senior day. NEVER AGAIN.

Glad to hear you're doing better!

Georgia Peachez said...

I missed you, but that wonderful post made up for it. I didn't know the Pioneer Woman had a show? Guess I better get Netflix so I can catch up with her, or not. So glad your on the mend.

Jeanne D. said...

Glad you're okay and back! Some scary stuff! You left an internet hole while you were gone - I started researching Zsa Zsa Gabor's health status. Oh my.

Tammy Themel said...

Mend quickly. The world needs more humor and less Apple Puckerers.

Jessica U said...

I'm glad you're back! Thanks for saving those precious kitties!

Hope said...

Oh my goodness! Heart surgery, a near-death experience, a dramatic grocery trip, and kitties! This post has it all. I'm so glad you're okay!! I love hearing about near-death experiences, that's so crazy/awesome that you went through that!

Melissa said...

"Zip it old lady, or I'll break ya hip!" is what I would have said to myself had I been in your shoes.
Crazy old bitties...some of them need to remember their dang manners.
It's great to hear from you again and to know you are on the mend and ok. Stay that way!!! : )

Johanna said...

Wow. Only you could write a near-death experience in a funny way. I am GLAD God sent you back. The world would be a lot less happy without you in it. I hope you continue to heal and stay away from Pioneer Woman. I am glad to know I'm not the only one who can't stand her. It seems everyone thinks she is the second coming. ;)

Katie Mullaly said...

Old people. I SWEAR. Ugh. Dementia - it's what's for dinner!

Jen said...

Good gravy, girl, I wondered where you were and why you were so darned quiet and am now kicking myself for not harassing you even more (though I'm glad I said a prayer for you and yours when, on several occasions, usually while driving down the highway at 89MPH, you came to mind). I am so glad you are all right—isn't heart stuff fun? See, that's why certain things that annoy me in this world are banned from my house, field of vision, and field of hearing. ;)

Those kittens are darling—it would be difficult not to keep one!

So glad you're all right. :) Big hugs from Ohio!

tubby3pug said...

I am very sorry that you have been sick but I have to say I am overjoyed I stumbled across your blog. Its utterly brilliant and I think your description of heaven may have made me into a religious convert, if heaven looks like that collage your husband made then lord take me now.

kate at retro rover

Van said...

Damn lady, I hope you're alright. Your heaven experience had me scared for you! Get well soon!

And kitten discovery, just aawwww :)

Laura said...

Eartha my girl, don't scare us like that ever again! I hope Mr. Kitsch is fluffing your pillows and bringing you hot drinks. Please feel better soon!

SUZY8-TRACK said...

I loved your afterlife experience! Its nice to think that all the pets I've owned will be waiting for me when I die. Hope that you are feeling much better now...sounds like a scary experience but I'm glad that you pulled through and are on the mend.

Re: Seniors...I work with them everyday and there are times when they can really get to you and try your patience! Not everyone is a sweet little old lady! I always try to keep in mind that this is someone's grandmother, and I try to treat everyone as if they are my grandmother or grandfather. Not everyone appreciates it, but for those who do, it makes me feel great!

Re kittens: I'm in love with that cat with the mostly black face! too cute!

Susan Davis said...

So glad to hear that all is well. I've been following your posts on No Pattern Required, but missed seeing them here. (I thought something was wrong with my computer.) And the person who left the kittens ought to be left out in the cold (or worse). Thank goodness for you!

pat griffith said...

his version of heaven looks a lot like a golf course mr.Griff' version is just a golf course .

SusieQT said...

Glad you're back, and that orange kitty, sooo adorable, I want to bring him home!

Rachel C. said...

Eartha---I'm so glad you're back and as funny as ever. Keep blogging because you make me laugh out loud and I love your descriptions of things. Your Pioneer Woman description was dead on---"boho smocks!" love it!! I'm always waiting for a sleeve to catch on fire!

Glad you're feeling better. Keep up the great work.

Greener Pastures--A City Girl Goes Country said...

I can't stand that "pioneer woman!" I'm not even giving her capital letters because she's a fraud! Her father is a surgeon and she married one of the richest families in Oklahoma. I think they are the largest land owners. Yeah, right, she's making stew with the balls of the cows outside. While she's putting on her act, all the workers they employ are shoveling the shit. Just like those other actors, the Duck Dynasty guys. People fall for a lot of crap.

Anyway, I hope your heart is better! God knows all the kitties need a big heart like you around!

MmePolaire said...

I can't believe I missed this post! I am very happy to hear you are doing well now. I missed your blog while you were away.
Thanks for the preview of death, I'm glad to know my kitties might be there waiting for me.

Anonymous said...

Hi Eartha! Are you coming back, I miss you!

Anonymous said...

My dog died today and a friend sent me a link to this page. I always believed I would see all my wonderful pets again one day. All I can say is thank you.
Eilleen