Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Holiday Ho Ho Whoa

Hey all! How have your holidays been so far? Great, I hope! Here we are on New Year's Eve. Is it just me or as we get older, do they seem closer and closer together?

We're kind of confused and irritated here at the ranch because we didn't get to have Christmas with our families this year. Well, we had every intention to but here is how it went down:

Everything was going perfectly and Christmas was busting out all over! The halls were decked and festooned and fa-la-la'd:






The Mister and I dressed up in our holiday finest and went Christmas shopping:


Here I am in my cute red skirt suit that's just perfect for Christmas. Yes, I've had some work done.



Mr. Kitsch started wearing his pants really, really high. 



I made this kitschy little snowman out of a bleach bottle.




The tissue paper was flowing like rivers!



It even snowed! It was a holiday miracle!

The world rejoiced…..

And then THIS happened: 


 

 Mister Kitsch injured his back and ended up at the hospital. Whomp. Whomp. 

Okay, so if you've never been to the emergency room, you simply must at some point - but only to visit, I assure you. The waiting room is usually quite the petri dish of both interesting characters and well, life threatening flesh eating germs. There's usually  at least one small child eating Cheetos and licking their fingers after touching the nasty plastic chairs that have been sat in by thousands of people. If you go to the bathroom, you're going to find that someone before you has taken the time to craft a giant toilet paper nest upon the top of the toilet seat and then finding it unworthy, peed in the floor instead. And you're going to get at least three people who want to stare into your eyes even though emergency room waiting room protocol strongly advises against it. 

 We learned that around the final week of the year, the number of patients coming through the ER pretty much doubles because people want to get things done under their insurance before those copays start fresh. Great. Let's just say that it was two seconds short of a mob scene. People coughing on each other and cursing the nurses. The well-stocked "Sneeze Station" sat untouched. It was simply too far to walk and we were all going to die anyway. The lady across from us was clutching a barf bag as if it was her final dollar and waved it around way too loosely for those around her who weren't quite sure if it was empty or full. Every time that she stood up and careened around, I just *knew* that I was going to end my 2013 with a complete stranger's barf on my head. If it can happen to anyone, it will happen to me. Trust.  

 Somewhere about halfway through, a very suave looking gentleman came in with a beautiful rockabilly coif of dark hair and pencil legged trousers, starched shirt and vest. Since it was Nashville, he also brought his guitar case. He looked like he'd stepped right out of Johnny Cash's backup band from long ago in the day. And then all of a sudden, he cut loose talking to himself - I mean really, really talking to himself - and half of what he must have been saying were jokes because he was cracking himself up. Then he launched into song, right there in the middle of the slithering snake pit of a waiting room. He sang and sang at the top of his lungs and giggled between verses. The two quite-possible gangbangers next to him looked way perturbed and nervously scratched the prison tats on their necks. With the exception of the lady next to me who was nearly sleeping on my shoulder, everyone seemed perched to see what would happen next.  

 Suddenly, a hispanic man stumbled into the room behind a sweaty, sick brow and collapsed into a chair and squeezed shut his bloodshot eyes. This was all that the songbird needed and just like a needle had been dropped on a record, he began to wail "Noche de Paz" in the best Jose Feliciano impression ever. I sat up like the air had been suddenly starched and wanted to yelp with joy but instead, I stared at the partly full urine sample cup that rolled back and forth beneath the facing row of chairs. Mister Kitsch unexpectedly jolted from time while wailing in pain as if he was in the electric chair. Nobody even noticed. As time wore on, I wondered why the sneeze station wasn't instead a cyanide station. I also wondered what stomach bug I'd have to thank the room for later. The news anchor on TV acted way too excited over her guest's hummingbird cake creation.  Grasping at any straw that resembled the outside world, I took out my phone and made a note that said "Make Hummingbird Cake". 

 About seven hours later, we finally gasped out into the streets and swore that we'd die in our home before we'd ever go back to that place.  

The Mister has been in some monster pain, let me tell you. There will be no long distance traveling for Christmas this year. We scheduled the trip twice and canceled it twice and are just now starting to resolve ourselves that we won't get to see our family this year. Boy, are we bummed! To ease the pain, we've eaten monster amounts of queso dip. As you can expect, queso dip is not an adequate substitute for the hugs and laughter of family.  We spent Christmas day saying, "It just doesn't feel like Christmas…" and it didn't. I watched stupid Lifetime movies and the Mister enjoyed the effects of strong meds and just like that, Christmas was done. 



 But let me tell you, we are really whooping it up for New Year's Eve! I went out and bought myself some fancy treats:



My first bottle of wrinkle cream. Sparkling Grape Juice. Three new pairs of socks.


I also bought this really stupid "As Seen on TV" twenty dollar cat toy that my kitties would rather pee on than to discuss. 

Ain't no party like an Eartha Kitsch party 'cause an Eartha Kitsch party don't stop. 

I want to wish every one of you a great New Year's Eve. Be safe and have fun and above all, be reflective of what this year has been - be it good or bad. On top of those wishes, I hope that 2014 is the best year yet for you. 

If you'd like something peppy to wash away the slow agony that was this post, be sure and go on over to "No Pattern Required" and see my column today on decorating your New Year's Eve party with tinfoil.



Yep. 



Until next time,
x's and o's,
Eartha 



45 comments:

Sara In AZ said...

Oh man....SO, SO sorry the trip did not work out to see the family this year. I really do hope that the Mr. is feeling better super soon....and girl - you know I know the pain of the ER around Christmas.....eeps! Let's just say we won't wish that on anyone but our deepest enemies! ha! Have a great New Year hon, I hope next year all of our dreams come true!

KIMMIE JONES said...

I'm so glad someone else had entered the bizarro world of the er waiting area on a busy night! When I had all my gallbladder issues last year I was that crazy person writhing and wailing in pain and seriously I was the least conspicuous person there. I remember seriously having some woman try to borrow money from me whilst I was basically giving birth to gallstones and then everyone is leaving their mcdonalds wrappers and soiled bandages laying about. It's gross. I agree eye contact is the enemy in these situations! Hope me kitsch is feeling better. Hopefully his injure was not caused by his stylistic choice to wear his pants higher

Rob and Monica said...

So sorry that Mr. Kitsch got hurt. Hope he is on the mend and 100% healthy in no time! Time to put the end of 2013 in the books and welcome in a happy and healthy new year for you both! Don't let all that sparkly grape soda pop go to your head! (Rob)

Van said...

Sparkly wine is so damn good, hope you guys rest up and get better over there. At least you got a funny story out of the pain and frustration, a small consolation prize. You guys be careful!

Georgie Horn said...

did you catch the name of the singer? Maybe we can catch his act when Mr. Kitsch is feeling better.

cheshirecat666 said...

Oh GAWD,that sux! I thought the beginning of my Xmastime was drippy,yours takes the cake! If there's anything worse than post-Xmas blues it's damn-I-missed-Xmas blues! Thank God for the 'net,at least you got to enjoy the outside world vicariously

Liz said...

OMG! What a year you had! Hope the next one is way better. Best of wishes!

Lisa said...

While I laughed out loud at your description of "the snake pit" scene at the ER, I am sorry to hear all the troubles you guys had to go through for my merriment! Hope you and the Mister are both in the pink of health for 2014, you deserve a break!!

Melissa said...

Damn, dang, darn! Timing is a b*tch! I really hope his back feels better soon. I went to a deep tissue massage therapist and she fixed me right up in a few visits. It was a bit hippie dippie but I couldn't argue with the results.
Hopefully you guys get to see your family soon! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Jamie@OwlReally.com said...

oh my gosh, i feel terrible whining about lucy stuff when you were going through THIS! so sorry to hear that you didn't get to see family. :( hope mr. is feeling better!

MmePolaire said...

Eartha - this was too funny and too tragic at the same time. I didn't know when to wince and when to laugh!

When I was cooking Christmas dinner my aunt pulled out the pan storage tray at the bottom of the oven right onto and over my week-old broken big toe. It managed to rip off half my toenail! So I spent the rest of the night with my foot up and iced. I feel your pain - literally!

I too received the "as seen on tv cat toy - now I'm scared to put it together after your review!

Have a SAFE 2014!

Barbara said...

I hope the hubby is better! Happy new year and many wonderful wishes for you and your man!

xxx
barbara

Laura Huey said...

Rolling! Eartha, you can find the hilarity in any situation and wring it out dry!
But yes, my condolences for the crap mess your holiday turned into :( I hate that it was a disappointment.
As far as that New Year's party pack you got yourself?? Golden.
Here I am at 11:14 pm on New Year's..... pass me a pair of those socks ;)
Happy 2014 funny lady!

Rita@thissortaoldlife said...

Wow, you two! You've logged a lot of hospital hours in 2013. Glad it was nothing life-threatening, but know what you mean about a Christmas that doesn't feel like Christmas. Lifetime movies might be the best way to get through them. (We find take-out Chinese is a nice antidote.)

Wishing you great, lovely, kitschy things for the new year.

Jen said...

Oh, Eartha. That has to be the worst New Year's! And poor Mr. Kitsch! :( Back pain is...well, we all know (that's the other part about getting older and the years flying by, ha!). As usual, though, you've made your horror show experience hilarious for those of us living (happily) vicariously through your adventures.

I think the Sneeze Station should just be an open bar. f you're going to die anyway, might as well take your liver out first. At least adult beverages would make the ER more enjoyable (we were there this year on Father's Day, good times...)—and imagine the tips the bartender would come home with! That could be an incredibly lucrative gig.

Happy New Year to everyone at Kitschville. :)

mumzy said...

I read your fascinating account with bated breath... so sorry that your xmas ended up the way it did!! At least you were together ... and 2014 is a brand new year. Happy, happy new year to you and yours.... love your blog!

Iprefervintage said...

Hope the hubby feels better soon. Back pain stinks --- Big Time!

And your local hospital sounds way more exciting then mine. If you ever get blogger's block you could hang out in the hospital waiting room for a few hours until you have something to write about.

Vi said...

Your feedburner isn't letting me sign up for email updates! :)

Vi said...

I never clicked the 'notify me' link! :)

Vivian said...

You are a very funny person! Your description really made me want to be there in person and have as much fun as you two did! I hope your Mr.is feeling better these days. Pain from bad backs are not fun to endure! Happy New Year to you too!

Jennifer said...

I'm so sorry about your hubby :( After a year full of crazy ups and downs I am wishing you guys bunches of good fortune and love in the New Year!!

Kelli Davidson said...

I'm way behind on my reading but wow! You've had a tough holiday. I'm so sorry about your husband and I cannot believe you sat in an er all that time. I prefer to go to minor emergency clinics that have fewer hours but fewer people too! however, had you gone to one of those you would have missed all those delightfully interesting people at the ER! Now you celebrate NYE like WE do - with lots of queso! :)xoxoxo

Lilypad said...

Was the cat toy the "Cat's Meow", the yellow fabric with a "mouse" that moves around randomly? My senior lady kitty LOVES that one and she opens up a nice little can of whoop-a** every time we turn that sucker on.

I hope you Mr. Kitsch is all better now. I've lived with back pain since 1996, it's not fun. Thanks for your blog, it always makes me smile.

SUZY8-TRACK said...

I loved hearing your emergency room story! Sorry that you weren't able to make the trip this holiday. At least your New Years looked fun!

An DeYoung said...

A happy new year to you, the hunchback, & all the kitties.
Love from the bone dry drought ridden California. Love ya! ~An, the Mr., Sophiepants & Sir Winston

Greener Pastures--A City Girl Goes Country said...

What a nightmare! But of course the way you tell it, you had me laughing.

Where does your family live? I assumed you were a native Tennesseean. (Is that a word?)

Helen Wong said...

I was cooking Christmas dinner my aunt pulled out the pan storage tray at the bottom of the oven right onto and over my week-old broken big toe. It managed to rip off half my toenail! So I spent the rest of the night with my foot up and iced. I feel your pain - literally.

Kim Campbell said...

Someone wrote in to Atomic Ranch Magazine to tell them about Deck's! Isn't that the place you went to?

Anonymous said...

Are you coming back, I miss you!

Jessica U said...

I hope you are well! Miss you!

mary scott said...

I hope you all are OK & just too busy to blog so far this year! Miss you & your humorous writing a lot!

sandy lawrence said...

I keep checking every couple of weeks to see if you have left a comment for us or if you have a new post. We all miss you and hope that you and the Mister are okay.

Jessica U said...

Oh I hope you are doing well EK! We miss you!
I nominated you for a Liebster Award today if you want to check it out. It's basically a blogger game of tag :)
http://adayinthelifeofonegirl.blogspot.com/2014/04/award-girl.html

Greener Pastures--A City Girl Goes Country said...

I hope you're okay.

Liz said...

Miss ur blogs, hope all is well

Betty2Tone said...

I randomly was thinking about your blog today, and how much I miss it! I hope everything is alright!

Anonymous said...

Hi Eartha,
I've been checking your blog every few weeks for almost a year now. I miss your posts! I hope you're well.
Susan

Jenny Mitchell said...

Miss you, EK.
hope all is well at the ranch.
xoxo

chadwick perry said...

Love the post in here. Fantastic reads!

Greener Pastures--A City Girl Goes Country said...

Disappointed you're still not back.

Anonymous said...

I keep checking every Sunday, just in case there's a new post. I really miss your blog, and hope you come back to it someday…

LA said...

Hello Eartha,
I hope you all are well in Ranchland and 2016 brings nothing but l great health, epic thrift scores and general super-fantastical adventures...That you feel like sharing. ;) Online life isn't the same since you've been on hiatus.
Warm tidings from the northland aka Minnesota.
-LeighAnne

Lakota [Faith Hope and Charity Shopping] said...

Likewise just checking on some old blog faves after a super loooong hiatus myself. I hope the last couple of Christmasses have been more successful, but your ER story did crack me up!

Laura Huey said...

Just sayin hi from the only place I know may reach you. So much love to you, Eartha! I hope all is well on your end :)

sllawrence said...

Anyone out there that can just let us know that Eartha is ok? There's a ton of people who check in periodically and often just to see if there is some word, from somewhere because we all miss her and wish her, The Mister, not to mention Kitten Pants all the best in the world!